Within: "I feel them all around me As if they're looking for me I'm sure they're protecting me You're all so close to me And don't you never ever leave me!"
Introduction: Every night before I fall asleep I look out of my window and always see A shadow sitting in the moon With a fishing rod and wizard hat I swear he is catching the stars Why would someone do that?
Hey, you with the the fishing rod and wizard hat! Tell me what are those stars you're looking at!
"They are wishes and dreams They are hopes and fears From the children, who before going to sleep Look at the sky and make a wish Hoping that tomorrow Won't be full of sorrow."
Hey, you who sits on the moon! Why are you catching the stars? Are you a loon?
"Those stars full of dreams and wishes I catch them like fishes! So I can take them to the angels Who will make them come true Just like the children wanted to."
"I've been catching stars since forever. They have many sizes, shapes and forms... Do you want me to catch yours?"
Hey, you who are awake when others sleep! Can you teach me how to make a wish?
"Close your eyes and listen to your heart It will tell you what you feel And the wish you want to be fulfilled."
Hey, you who carries the wishes! How do you give them to the angels?
"Shortly before the sun is born An angel comes from above. I give him the shining stars And they fly above the clouds.
What happens next I do not know But I have faith in them. There they keep our souls... and I'm sure our wishes are there too.
Do you believe it too?"
~*~ THE END ~*~
"Starless world, starless world. Hey, where have you gone? It seems there are no souls... Where did yours go?"
Hi there Pedro! I apologize for the delay in my critique, I have been busy recently. Bear in mind that everything I say here is merely my opinion and that it's entirely your choice what you make of it (and I don't claim to be any expert!). I'm only here to help.
I feel you have a strong style and can very tactfully deliver a piece intended for a younger audience that those of all age groups can relate to and thoroughly appreciate. It's a great ability to have.
I enjoyed the overall vision of the piece and how it was portrayed. You did a good job there. The idea isn't completely original - I am positive I have heard something a lot like this before - but not completely unoriginal either. It would be nice to see ideas that haven't been done much in kid's books. I think some write similar ideas because children like a bit of familiarity and subconsciously or consciously, writers find it easier. However, I think children are capable of appreciating unique concepts as well.
I think you used your idea uniquely, however.
Your technique in delivering this story overall is great, but there is some sloppiness here and there. I will help you with that piece by piece below in separate categories: Flow, and Grammar.
Flow Now, one aspect of the piece that repeatedly bothered me is flow. Since this is primarily a story for children, I made sure I read this out loud a few times, since it's likely to be read aloud by children and parents. I sometimes found the long lines mixed with short lines a little too abrupt. For example:
"I'm sure they're protecting me You're all close to me And don't you never ever leave me"
"You're all close to me" seems out of place. The other two lines contain a lot more syllables, and rhythm is important. I think adding in a word or two would help a little. Examples would be "You're all so close to me" or You're all very close to me." This would help the piece flow better.
Another example for me would be "I go to my window and always see..." "Go to" sounds abrupt and misplaced. I think "I look out of my window and always see." It's more correct grammatically and flows better.
"I could swear he is catching the stars" would sound much better as "I swear he is catching the stars" or "I swear he catches the stars."
"I could swear" flows badly, and even sounds incorrect.
"Can you tell me what are those stars you're looking at?" is very clunky. Simply removing a couple of words will make a big difference. "Can you tell me what are those stars you're looking at?"
With the rest of the piece, "Tell me what stars you're looking at!" flows far, far better in my opinion.
I advise taking "the" out of "Hey, you who are awake when the others sleep!"
I strongly recommend that you ask someone - a friend, or family member - to read this poem aloud to you. The reason why I don't want you to read it aloud yourself is because it's difficult for a writer to notice his/her own flaws. If someone else reads it out, you will understand how it comes across, how that conflicts with how you want it to come across and where you can make changes.
Grammar I noticed that throughout this piece you made quite a few simple grammar mistakes. They're quite small, but even little errors can be the difference between a good poem and a brilliant poem.
"Look in the sky and make a wish" should be "Look at the sky and make a wish."
Additionally, "From the children who before going to sleep" needs a comma. All together it doesn't flow well or sound right. Simply using a bit of punctuation can make a huge difference: "From the children, who before going to sleep..." It provides a brief pause, makes the sentence seem correct and enhances the flow.
"A bit before the sun is born" sounds out of place. I like the alliteration, but keeping the flow and sounding correct comes first. "Shortly before the sun is born" would work, and provide extra alliteration. Even Before the sun is born" would do the trick.
"They keep there our souls..." should be "There they keep our souls..."
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. I feel adults can enjoy this as much as any child and that this gives readers a lot of hope as you intended. The imagery was lovely and the ideas were well-executed. The artwork is beautiful and fitting, too. With a bit of tweaking and re-drafting here and there, you could make this piece that little bit better and it will reach a publishable standard.
Well done, and I hope this critique will help you develop as a writer. Remember that everything I said was only my point of view and I'm not forcing my opinions upon you. Good luck!
I really love this story and poem of yours, it's wonderful, i'm sure children would love to read this (well, people every age actually, especially the dreamy persons ) Well-written poem, i love the rhyme
Hello! How are you
tonight? ^0 ^I am
going to draw 1
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style is shown below
the steps below to
;Only comments in
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enter if you would
allow me to post...
It's that time
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RAFFLE TIME! OvOArt
it's been a LONG
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You can submit as
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traditional art in
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drawings you can see
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More