Within: "I feel them all around me As if they're looking for me I'm sure they're protecting me You're all so close to me And don't you never ever leave me!"
Introduction: Every night before I fall asleep I look out of my window and always see A shadow sitting in the moon With a fishing rod and wizard hat I swear he is catching the stars Why would someone do that?
Hey, you with the the fishing rod and wizard hat! Tell me what are those stars you're looking at!
"They are wishes and dreams They are hopes and fears From the children, who before going to sleep Look at the sky and make a wish Hoping that tomorrow Won't be full of sorrow."
Hey, you who sits on the moon! Why are you catching the stars? Are you a loon?
"Those stars full of dreams and wishes I catch them like fishes! So I can take them to the angels Who will make them come true Just like the children wanted to."
"I've been catching stars since forever. They have many sizes, shapes and forms... Do you want me to catch yours?"
Hey, you who are awake when others sleep! Can you teach me how to make a wish?
"Close your eyes and listen to your heart It will tell you what you feel And the wish you want to be fulfilled."
Hey, you who carries the wishes! How do you give them to the angels?
"Shortly before the sun is born An angel comes from above. I give him the shining stars And they fly above the clouds.
What happens next I do not know But I have faith in them. There they keep our souls... and I'm sure our wishes are there too.
Do you believe it too?"
~*~ THE END ~*~
"Starless world, starless world. Hey, where have you gone? It seems there are no souls... Where did yours go?"
Well, this is quite original, but some of the similies/metaphors/ and other poetic devices have been used before. Yet, I feel like you put your own unique spin on this piece.
I think your vision is nice. It reflects mostly on your idea, yet some of your vision is a bit 'jumpy'.
For the most part, your rhyme stucture is nice. yet, I have a few minor suggestions. For one, in the first stanza the ending of me is a bit too repetitive.
For stanzas two and three, you restate wizard hat to get your poem to rhyme, which is a bit repetitive. You also restate sleep many times, and catching the stars. the latter does make more sense though. I think you should work on trying to keep the rhyme, while mixing up some words. repeating a word so it still rhymes in a slightly different way really takes off the impact.
Still, it's a very touching poem.
Your art, though, matches your poem beautifully and has wonderful colors and the perfect style to complement.
Very sweet and touching. Yet, is slightly held back from repetitive word use and phrasing. (this does not include the star wisher/ catcher of stars. That's a very nice touch)
+ Overall, a very nice poem. Polished and touching. very nicely done!~
I really love this story and poem of yours, it's wonderful, i'm sure children would love to read this (well, people every age actually, especially the dreamy persons ) Well-written poem, i love the rhyme
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More